Divine Redemption
by PaperGanstah
Summary: Castiel whether in madness or pride or under a lack of guidance- died. He was lost and friendless in his final moments. Risen by some unknown force, Castiel lost memory of everything except the knowledge that there was a debt to pay. He will either find the redemption he so desperately seeks or be forever damned. Cas/Dean
1. Redemption

*I had some inspiration from the _Divine series_, which stars our very own Misha Collins.

Castiel whether in madness or pride or under a lack of guidance- died. He was lost and friendless in his final moments. Risen by some unknown force, Castiel lost memory of everything except the knowledge that there was a debt to pay. He was rescued by a local deacon and called Emanuel. Working as a hunter and healer, Emanuel takes on the pain and sickness of others. He will either find the redemption he so desperately seeks or be forever damned. Two familiar hunters may help him, in the case that his sins were not too bloody to earn once more the trust that was broken on both sides.

-Gaperganstah

"And You Shall Call him Emanuel"

"Thou hast redeemed us, O lord, in Thy blood. And made us, for our God, a kingdom."

_Death was a blessing. His blood poured out red and hot. He counted the drops until they burst forth in a wave from broken skin. The leather cut deep. One. Two. Three. Once he drowned. He could still remember how it felt to swallow the lake water in until his lungs ripped apart. His body was tired of healing itself. A snap of fingers and he was nothing but blood and the quiet peace he longer for. Silence. Nothing. Moments later he found himself aware again. He had been reborn but he must have lost something. God forgot to give him back something very important. He couldn't name what it was but it seemed that a few marbles had gotten lost down the drain._

_Rebirth. He saw it happen all the time for humanity. A new dawn and a new day. A fresh start. So many ways to say the same thing. Why couldn't he have the same clean slate? Redemption was far away and the God he loved silent. The leather cut deep. He would be pure once more. He would forget and lose the evil within him until it bled out entirely. Emanuel hoped that he hadn't been too late. He prayed that by the time he flayed through rotten blackness into the core of his heart something would remain. He prayed that there was something left to save. _

.

"So Sammy boy, what are you sharing with the class for snack time?"

Sam looked peeved. "Back off Dean. You wouldn't like it." Sam stirred a spoon in his parfait as Dean rolled his eyes.

"Of course. We go to McDonalds and the bitch picks out the only thing with real fruit. You are what you eat."

Sam looked pinched as his older brother's green eyes flashed a smile. He had been cheerful the past months. Disgustingly so. It was Dean's way of practically screaming that he wasn't okay. "Dude, shut up and eat your food. I need to get to the station to pull those files."

"Nerd." Dean stuffed a bite of the burger in his mouth looking disgusted. "This place sucks and the burgers literally look like shit."

Sam glanced over. "Put some ketchup on it."

Dean grinned. "The only vegetable I will ever like."

"Fruit."

"What?" Dean smothered his burger in ketchup.

"Tomatoes. They are fruits not vegetables."

The older Winchester stretched with a grin. "You would remember that. Your hero was a Fruitarian, right? Gandhi the melon muncher."

"Drop it." Sam pulled a bitch face.

"Haha alright Sammy. Cool your balls."

"That's it Dean. Drop me off at the station now. This thing is mostly sugar anyway." Sam tossed his half eaten lunch into the trash.

"But I'm not done eating!" Dean dragged his feet until Sam snatched the keys to the Impala out of his pocket.

"Dean. Get in the car. Now."

Dean gave him a shit eating grin. "Oooh so forceful. I like it Sammy."

"Don't." Sam marched ahead and Dean had to speed up after his long-legged little brother. He snatched back the keys before unlocking the front door. "Dean? Could you open the trunk for me? I need my laptop."

"Say please and you might get somewhere."

Sam huffed. "Please."

"Since when have you been the crabby one, huh? I thought that was my job. Not like you weren't always a bitch…"

"I don't know Dean. We lost Cas. You are walking around like nothing happened with that fake grin on your face…and I can't take it. Look, just talk to me Dean!"

If Sam wanted Dean to stop smiling, he got his wish. Dean's eyes darkened as he rested his hand on the trunk. "I'm doing the best I fucking can Sam. What do you want? Tears? I can't cry anymore. I don't think I even have any waterworks left. What Cas did…and now he's dead. He's dead and Bobby's dead and if I sit around thinking about all the people dead on my watch and talking about it I'm going to go fucking nutty. So shut your pie hole and leave me alone."

Sam nodded. "Look Dean, I get it."

"No you don't." Dean muttered to himself, barely out of Sam's ear shot. He noticed Sam's stricken look. He softened his tone. "Get in the car; I'll grab your computer."

"Thanks Dean."

Sam folded his long legs into the passenger side of the Impala as Dean took in a deep breath. He rubbed a hand tiredly across his eyes. Oh yeah. Sammy's laptop. He unlocked the trunk with trepidation, knowing what else resided inside. Castiel's dirty trench coat lay folded neatly in the corner. He hadn't washed it. Old blood smeared into creases and mud twisted into the fabric itself. Dean fussed with the collar briefly. He heard the car door open and nearly jumped before quickly pulling out the laptop. He slammed the trunk shut as Sam quietly shut his own door. They drove in silence.

Dean dropped his brother off at the station. Sam fixed his tie and stepped out of the Impala into the gray day. Drops stuttered on the windshield and rushed to melt into still warm asphalt and concrete. Sam hurried across the road to the station and his shiny black shoes barely missed a growing puddle.

"I'll pick you up in a few hours Sweetie, call me!"

Sam gave Dean the finger and carefully shut the door behind him. Dean sat quietly in the car for a moment, listening to the engine rumble lightly. He drove to the motel they were currently staying in and leaned against the Impala. He unlocked the trunk and pulled out the trench coat, eyes darting to the side. He ashamedly held the coat to his chest and hurried under the roofing above the sidewalk. A key fit easily into the door. He barely waited for the click before stumbling into the room and gently placing the trench coat on the bed. The mini bar was nearly empty and Dean sighed at its contents. Cheap wines. Tequila? Damn he was screwed. He needed that drink and a tiny bottle of tequila wasn't going to cut it. Dean moved over to the bed and crawled into the corner against the cool wall. Goosebumps rose up on his skin and he pulled the coat over his body.

Blue eyes. He began to dream of blue eyes. He felt calm. In his sleep Dean absently pulled the coat closer around him and in his dream it was Cas that was gently tugged closer. Cas smiled sadly. Dean wondered why.

"Cas?"The angel tilted his head to the side questioningly, the strange smile remaining. He didn't respond.

"Cas." Dean planted a kiss on messy brown hair and trapped smaller hands within his own. He ran a thumb over the soft skin. "Your hands are cold."

Castiel smiled lightly at Dean as he began to grow paler. He shivered and Dean looked into his deep blue eyes. "What's wrong? Cas. Tell me what's wrong, this time…this time I'm listening."

Relief spread through the angel's face and he gripped Dean's hands tightly. He opened his mouth to speak and took in a heaving breath, eyes wide. He backed up against the wall as his lips began to go blue and darkness creased under his eyes. His slender hands clutched at his throat.

"Cas! Cas stay with me damn it, Cas please stay with me!" Dean pulled the angel against his chest as he felt his icy body go still in his arms. Water soaked through the trench coat and dark hair was plastered to Castiel's pale forehead. "Cas-"

Dean felt himself wrenched back into the dingy hotel room. He clutched at the trench coat desperately as a chill racked through his body. Rain pelted at the window but Dean could still hear the frantic beating of his own heart. He didn't stop the tears this time. They ran down his face and he choked on sobs as sat with his legs dangling off the bed, the coat in his arms. The dream had returned. Castiel. Dean would spend nights living in dreams that would never come true.

Castiel would come to him, beautiful and vibrant. Dean would try to reach out to him, to get the angel to talk to him. He would welcome any word from Cas. But he remained silent. Every dream Dean would kiss his soft mouth and run his hands over a body that did not protest to his touch. He whispered apologies. He whispered words of love. Castiel would give him that small smile before the nightmare forced him to the ground only to suffocate in Dean's arms. The phone rang and Dean answered it tiredly.

"Yeah?"

"Dean, it's me. Come pick me up, I found us a case."

Dean ran a hand over his stubble dotted jaw. "Okay Sammy. But aren't we on a case right now?"

"Yeah Dean, which _I_ was researching. What were you up to?" Silence. Sam waited until he realized that Dean was simply pining for his angel. He hadn't slept much of late; Sam hoped he hadn't woken his brother up. Dean's voice was thick with something that could either be exhaustion or grief. "Never mind Dean-"

"It's okay Sammy. I'll get back in gear." Dean tried to clear any trace of emotion from his throat.

"Look man, maybe you need a break from all this. Hunting?" Sam shook his head. "Dean we don't get to be happy in this sort of life. Step out of it for a while…I think you need to stop all of this for a while."

Dean sat tiredly on the bed. "Sammy, you know me better than that. I don't know how to be normal anymore."

"You never did. Since when have you ever been normal?"

Dean chuckled. "You too bitch. Alright. I'm on my way. Brief me in on the way back."

Sam hurried through the rain as it pelted his hair. Dean tried not to laugh as his too tall brother nearly biffed it in a mud puddle. He locked the car. Sam ran over and yanked on the cold handle. "Open the door Dean!"

Dean pretended not to hear him. He looked puzzled for a moment until his gaze met up with one of Sam's rarer forms of bitch face. This one could almost kill. Dean unlocked the door. "You look like a soggy puppy dog."

"Yeah and you look like an asshole." Sam slammed the car door. Dean grinned at Sam but his brother saw the effort behind his bared teeth. "Or a shark."

Dean pulled the Impala away from the sidewalk and turned onto the road. He pushed a new cassette into the player as he glanced over at his brother. "So?"

"So what?"

"What was so important that you wanted to come home without me dragging you out of there? Did you spend that whole time at the station?"

"No, there was a library."

Dean itched at his nose. "What did you forget your library card?"

"No. One of Bobby's old friends called."

"Yeah? What did he want? Is he reading up on the town history for us?"

Sam shook his head. "He's gotten some weird messages from hunters around the area."

"Weird? Aren't all messages from hunters weird? If you ask me, they are some freaky sons of bitches."

"It's about this new hunter."

Dean grimaced. "If this is about Garth I don't want to hear about it. That big-eared kid takes a shit on my nerves every time I see him."

"His name is Emanuel." Sam turned down the radio.

Dean leaned over and turned the volume back up. "Isn't that Jesus' fancy name?"

"I'm surprised you got that. Yeah. Emanuel, it means "God is with us."

Dean snorted. "Well he isn't. God exited the building long before our sorry asses showed up on this planet."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Focus Dean. This Emanuel is a healer. Bobby's buddy has eye witness accounts that he healed a blind guy."

"So it's probably someone messing with reapers again."

"Maybe."

Dean stared at Sam for a moment before fixing his eyes on the road once more. "Aww damn it Sam. You aren't believing this, are you?"

"I don't Know Dean. Look, we've seen strange stuff. Maybe this Emanuel is just an angel or something."

The air went cold in the Impala. Dean stared ahead, eyes dark and hurt. "Since when have we known an angel to be anything but a cold hearted son of a bitch? They don't just go around healing people. And we don't know any angel named Emanuel."

"Alright!" Sam put up his hands in defense. "I get it Dean. Can we at least check this guy out? Who knows… he may be able to real thing."

Dean nodded. "How's your noggin, by the way?"

"I'm okay Dean."

"You're not. Don't lie to me about this again Sammy."

Sam shrugged. "He's still there. It's not all the time. Sometimes I am back in control and other times I hear him in the back of mind."

"Well, we will check out this Emanuel. He fixes you and my hat's off to the guy. Where's he at?"

Sam eyed Dean. "He lived near the warehouse where we opened Purgatory."

"Great. So he's probably a monster."

Sam was relieved that the subject of Castiel dying in the lake next to the warehouse was ignored for the moment. "He could be. Let's just give him a chance before we decide anything."

Dean nodded slowly. "Tell Satan to shut his pie-hole until we kick his ass out."

"Okay Dean." Sam smiled and shook his head. He hoped that Emanuel could cure the two of them. Dean's heart and his mind. It was time to take the yellow brick road and see if the wizard had real magic up his sleeves.

They took a detour to grab a quick dinner before the engine softened into a purr in front of an old looking church. The steps were chipped and the roof looked seconds away from collapsing. Stained glass peeked out of dust and grime ate its way through once fine craftsmanship.

Sam stepped out of the Impala and glanced around. "Place looks creepy."

"Nah, just old. "

Sam pulled out flash lights from the trunk and passed them around. "What is Emanuel doing here? The place looks dark and like it hasn't been used in years. "

Sam looked pinched. "Are you sure he's here?"

"Buddy of Bobby's says he saw him go in there before. He was keeping tabs on the guy. I guess he's in there every Saturday night."

"Wonderful. See Sammy, I knew the son of a bitch was some kind of nut job!"

"Calm down Dean. We haven't even met him."

Dean shrugged, pistol in hand. "Sammy, you got the holy water?"

"Yeah."

They walked up the steps and formed a single file line through the creaky wooden doors. The building smelled musty. It was just as worn in the inside but a hint of beauty still remained. Sam looked impressed at the heavily lacquered ceiling as Dean glanced around each pew suspiciously.

Dean wandered down the center row and let his hand trail over the pews. He remembered sitting in one of them with his mother and father on Sundays as he and Sammy ran Hot Wheels cars over the seats. The bibles tucked in the pockets once supported the artistic designs of the brothers to keep them from tearing the paper. The door opened behind them and Sam pushed Dean down behind a pew. They hid under to rotten wood as quiet footsteps echoed. Dean risked a glance.

The man was covered in blood. Gashes bit out pale flesh and red pooled at the man's feet. His head was bowed and he stumbled and fell. A sob caught in his throat as he half crawled towards the altar. He raised his head and Dean nearly cried out. Blue eyes. Messy dark hair and a full, unsmiling mouth had haunted Dean's dreams for weeks. There he was. Castiel.

His old friend raised himself up and he filled a chalice with wine as red as his own blood. A metal cross was clasped in his shaking hand as he sunk down in front of the altar. He smeared blood across his and marked a single red line next to rows of others. His voice was hoarse and his words barely came out in a whisper.

"O Lord, my iniquities have overwhelmed me; they are like a heavy burden, beyond my strength. Noisome and festering are my sores, because of my folly. Turn your gaze from me that I may find respite, ere I depart and be no more."

He bowed his head and a pale hand clasped the chalice. "The blood of Christ…forgive me…" he began to shiver and slumped over. Dean was there the moment he fell.

"Cas, Cas hang in there." Blue eyes looked questioningly at Dean.

"The cup…"

Dean held him awkwardly for a moment looking frantically about him. "I don't know what you mean…"

"Please." Blood soaked them both to the skin.

"I-I don't-"

"Out of the way Dean!" Sam shoved Dean aside and forced the chalice against a bloody mouth. "Drink it up…erm…the blood of Christ." Sam dug around the altar and found bread. He ripped off a chunk. "The body of Christ."

He forced down a small piece until it was coughed back up. Sam tried again and covered the angel's mouth. Castiel flailed against Sam. His hands gripped weakly onto the larger man's shirt as he began to calm down. He shuddered. The brothers looked in a mixture of horror and awe as the bloody lacerations began to close.

"Cas? Why didn't you just mojo yourself back together?"

Dean swallowed and watched for the familiar curious head tilt. Yup, there it was. "I don't understand. Who is it you are speaking of?"

"Cas. Oh damn it. Jimmy is that you?"

There it was again. "Jimmy?"

Sam knelt by him and helped him up. "Erm…Emanuel?"

The brunette nodded slowly. "Yes, I have taken on that name."

"Cut the crap Cas. What is with all this? A new start?"

Cas, or Emanuel smiled softly. "I believe so. I must have survived some sort of ordeal a few miles from here. It is unclear how, but I found myself wandering near the lake…unclothed and without memory of who I was."

"So who named you Emanuel?"

Castiel narrowed his eyes and looked thoughtful. " ." He shrugged. "The deacon of the church found me. He brought me back to health through holy sacrament."

"Like what just happened? Did your holly roller buddy also tell you how you magically heal yourself and other people. Did he tell you about what you really are?"

Cas smiled. "Magic? I do not believe so. I know that I am a sinner. I do not know what I have done, but my dreams tell me that I deserve the punishment. I do not heal the sick. I take on their ailments upon myself instead."

"So some poor bastard got attacked by Freddy Kruger?"

"Attacked by whom?"

Dean sighed. "It seems that you are still behind on your movie collection."

"We know each other?" Castiel looked at Dean, puzzled.

"Never mind that now. Who hurt you?"

Castiel tugged on a loose piece of carpet on the altar steps. "I did. By sinning I make atonements for what I have done. I cannot die as long as I return here before midnight of the Sabbath. I carry other's burdens until I am healed to begin again."

"Wow. Look, we need to find a way to get you out of here." Sam glanced at Dean. "Maybe he's stuck in a time loop? Like when Gabriel pulled that on us?"

"Gabriel? The archangel?" Castiel seemed bemused.

Dean led him away from the altar. "It's a long story Cas."

"Cas? That is a strange name." Dean placed a hand between his shoulder blades.

"Let's get you cleaned up and get you some new clothes. You still look pretty rough." Castiel nodded and by the look on Dean's face he wanted to both strangle and kiss the angel.

Sam eyed his brother. "Ready Dean?"

Dean nodded. "Cas?"

Castiel opened his mouth to respond when a man came running into the room, his hair a mess and worry distorting a handsome face. "Please, Emanuel?" Castiel nodded slowly to him. "I need help, it's my daughter, she's dying."

"Of course. Excuse me, I thank you for your help." He nodded to Dean and began to follow the man.

Dean gripped his hand. "No you don't Cas. "This time, we are doing this together."


	2. Monsters Within

**Hey! Thank you for the reviews :) Shadow Visor, Casismyfavorite, summertimeinla, and Ventorum, You guys are awesome!**

**-Paperganstah**

"Remain Nameless"

The Impala roared down the road. Sam sat awkwardly in the back seat with Castiel and the stranger in the passenger seat.

"Down this road."

"You walked this whole way?" Dean whistled in amazement.

"Only part of the way. We don't have a car right now so I took a bus." The man looked embarrassed.

Dean glanced over at him. "What's your name?"

"Jonathan." He turned towards the back seat. "I am sorry about asking you out here so late at night. Emanuel… my daughter is dying. I don't usually believe in any of that supernatural shit but…I have to try everything for her right?" He rubbed at his reddened eyes.

Castiel's head rested against the cold window and his knee knocked against Sam's. He nodded. "Of course. Faith is important to have in any respect. I assure you that I will help you." Sam shifted and knocked his knee against Cas again. The angel smiled softly at him.

"What?" Sam eyed him.

"You seem to be burdened by something. Something not of a physical nature."

Dean grinned. "Sounds like Cas just called you sexy."

"I did not mean it in that manner but he is not unattractive." Castiel blinked slowly at Sam whose face went red. Dean looked jealously into the rearview mirror.

Sam sighed. "Jonathan, are we almost there yet?"

"Yes. It's on the left." He worried his hands together and mouthed a prayer.

The house was one small shack of many. The yards were tended little by their owners who spent most of their time worrying about how little or how much their time cost. Hours on a bus to a small paying job and back paid little. Time at home was a luxury. Sam and Dean knew what it was like to have so little and had no reason to turn their noses up at the unpainted houses. A bike without tires lay on the sidewalk and weeds pulled rusty things into the ground.

"That's the one." Car doors slammed nearly in unison. The four hurried up to the front door. The locked clicked open and Jonathan's tired wife looked back at them with tightness around her bloodshot eyes. She glanced at Castiel.

"You're here. Emanuel?"

Castiel nodded quietly at her. "Where is she?" The wife ushered him into a small bedroom where a small girl lay pale in a bed of faded pink. Castiel tensed as he stepped into the room. Dean and Sam shared a glance.

"What is the child's name?" Castiel still stood in the doorway.

"Emily." Jonathan pulled his wife into his arms as she sobbed.

"Please heal her Emanuel. She has been so sick…we don't know what else to do. We've heard from others that you are the only one who can help us."

"Has she been diagnosed with anything?"

Jonathan shook his head. "No, we took her in to the hospital…but we don't have enough money for all the specialists and all that. They couldn't tell us what was wrong."

"She gets worse every day." Castiel glanced around the room before giving the wife a searching stare. The child coughed and he went quickly to her side. He pulled her small hand into his own.

"Emily." He ran a hand through her thin hair. "I am here to make it right." He pressed two fingers against her burning forehead. The child whimpered and pulled away. Castiel looked confused at her.

"He's hurting her! Stop him Jonathan!" The wife pulled her husband into the room. Castiel raised his eyes to meet hers.

"You do not belong here."

The wife laughed. "See? I told you. He is a lunatic and an imposter."

"Sarah, it is alright-"

"Please Jonathan, make them go." Jonathan nodded at the others. Dean sighed and followed Sam towards the door. It looked like the last of the angel's mojo was gone.

"Cas? Come on, there's nothing you can do for her." Castiel closed his eyes briefly and muttered to himself. It sounded like Enochian.

Sam walked over and put a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay. Let's go-"

"Listen." Castiel pushed Sam's hand off of his shoulder gently.

Sam listened for a moment. "I don't hear anything special. Look, I don't have special ears or anything so all I heard earlier was a loud clock but it must have stopped."

Castiel raised an eyebrow. "And do you see a clock in the room? The noise stopped when the others left."

Sam glanced around the room. "No, that is weird. Dean?" Dean wasn't there. "Cas, wait here, I will be back soon. Keep an eye on her." Sam hurried from the room.

The house was dark and quiet. Sam held his gun up as he slowly turned a corner. He heard shuffling outside and made a run for the front door. Two forms surrounded another one on the ground. The one on the ground looked like-

"Dean!" Sam took a shot at one of the standing shapes. They hurried into the night as Sam ran over to his brother. "Dude, what happened, are you alright?"

Dean sat up looking dazed. "Yeah. Crazy sons of bitches jumped me!" He held up his freely bleeding arm.

"Why?" Sam helped him up.

"I think they were hungry." Dean winced.

"Are those teeth marks in your arm?"

Dean rolled up his sleeve to get a better look. "Yup. That bastard and his wife led me outside and I thought you and Cas- shit Sam! Cas is still in there!"

Boot steps thundered into the room as Cas sat on the bed with the little girl resting her head against his shoulder. His eyes were closed.

"Cas? Stay back from her, she's not human."

Cas raised his head up tiredly. "She is. The others were not. I believe she was forced into the role of bait."

"Let's get out of here. Who knows where those sons of bitches are now." Dean held out a hand to the little girl who snuggled closer to the angel. Dean grinned. "I think she likes you."

Castiel smiled. "Do not worry Emily, he will not hurt you." The small blond nodded and let Dean lift her up. It was then that he noticed blood stains on her arms and across her night gown.

"What the hell? Emily are you hurt?" Dean looked her over only to see healthy skin under the smeared blood on her arms.

"No, the cute boy made them go away." She smiled at Castiel.

Dean noticed red trailing from Castiel's left arm as it dripped from a saturated sleeve. "Cas!" Dean let go of Emily and crawled onto the bed next to Castiel. He saw more blood seeping from his side. "Damn it." Ticking could be heard from the open window.

"Dude, we need to get out of here now. Grab Cas, I've got Emily." Sam scooped up the little girl and hurried her out the door. Dean followed suit with Cas. He was surprisingly light but Dean's injured arm still burned from the strain.

Dean threw the keys to Sam. "Start driving."

Sam caught the keys and unlocked the door. Emily scrambled into the passenger seat and Dean pulled Castiel into the back seat with him.

"Church. We have to take him back to the church so he can heal up again."

"Not tonight Dean. The Sabbath has passed." Castiel rested his head against Dean's chest as the hunter pressed an old towel into his side.

Dean looked furious as the towel went red. "Damn it!" He held the surprisingly conscious angel the rest of the ride to the motel. Sam unlocked the door and Dean carried in the angel. Dean laid him across the kitchen table in the kitchenette as Sam settled Emily in front of the television.

Dean ripped Castiel's shirt off to access the damage. He winced at the jagged gash in his side. Dean dug through a bag and found the Winchester first aid kit. He poured a small bottle of whiskey over the infected wound and Castiel cried out and pulled away.

"I'm so sorry Cas."

Dean dug a needle out of the bag and threaded it through with dental floss as his hands shook. He climbed onto the angel and straddled him as he worked the needle through his burning flesh. Castiel bit his lip until it bled and hardly uttered a sound the entire time. Dean felt horrible. He taped bandages over the wound before sliding off the table. He worked quickly on Castiel's arms as the angel watched him quietly, eyes clouded with pain. Dean wrapped a clean bandage over the last wound and sighed. He needed a drink.

"Dean…" Cas reached his hand out and Dean took it. "Thank you."

"For what? Torturing you?" He glanced over at the adjoining room. "Sammy? Can you take the Impala and get some things? I'm starved and I need a drink."

"Okay Dean." He knew that if Dean was letting him drive the Impala twice in one day then he really did need alcohol. He normally would fight the issue since Dean had been getting drunk on a regular basis after the whole ordeal with Cas. Tonight he would let it slide.

"Come on Cas." Dean helped him over to one of the beds. Emily lay fast asleep on the other bed. Cas sat on the edge looking worn out as Dean dug out some clothes for him. "Put those on."

Castiel fumbled into them as Dean tried to not watch. Castiel looked amazing in Dean's black sweat pants and t-shirt. The cloth was low on his angular hips. Dean swallowed as Cas climbed into bed and he was given a glimpse of his smooth skin under the loose shirt.

"Cas? Do you mind if I still call you that?"

Castiel smiled. "I do not mind. The other name was given to me by bouncing baby . It is nice to know what my real one was."

Dean nodded and climbed into bed as well. "Well it's lucky for you that you forgot everything. I haven't."

"You sound angry." Castiel looked concerned. "What was I like before this Dean? I know that heinous crimes were committed on my part…but I do not know what sins I am repenting for."

Dean shook his head and rolled over on his side to look at Castiel. "You really don't want to know Cas. The things you did…I see what you did for Emily. You took on her pain. You looked like you went through a meat grinder when I saw you in the church. Cas, the stuff you are doing for others is great. I just don't know if I will ever forgive you for the things you did." Dean rolled over.

Castiel lay on his back as the wounds throbbed and itched under the bandaging. But Dean's words hurt more. He felt something icy clutch at his heart and he pulled up the blankets to ward off the chill.

"Cas?" Dean felt him tremble and roll over so he faced away from Dean. He sighed. He reached over and rubbed his back lightly. "Cas?" The angel relaxed against his hand.

"Yes Dean?"

There was silence for a moment. "I missed you." Dean sat up as the Impala roared into the parking lot. "Uhh it looks like Sammy's here. I need to pee."

Dean hurried into the bathroom and locked the door. He heard a conversation start up between Sam and Cas as he leaned against the door. He was so stupid. Sure, he had missed the hell out of the angel but he couldn't let him win him over so fast. Dean eventually slunk out of the bathroom. Cas was asleep and Sam had curled up on a cot that was too small for him since Emily was in his bed. Dean figured that they would have to do something about her tomorrow. Poor kid probably was missing her family. He would have to find out where she lived and hopefully his nerd of a brother could research those things that had attacked them.

Dean slipped under the covers and checked to make sure that Castiel was sleeping. He waved his hand in front of his face. He touched his hand lightly. Nothing. Dean pulled him into his arms and sighed contentedly. It was better to have the real thing instead of the dirty old coat on long nights. He was warm. The alcohol Sam bought lay untouched and still in the bags on the counter. Dean wrapped his body around Castiel and rested his chin on his unruly hair. He fell into a deep sleep, not realizing that Cas had been awake the entire time.


	3. Don't Let Me Down

**Sorry about how long it took me to post, I have been hideously busy this semester. I did have time to type this up and watch the Supernatural premier. I am not sure if I will despise or like Benny, but I do know that I miss the hell out of Castiel. The season makes me anxious while it is running so I will probably be posting much more frequently, be warned!**

**Thank you Casismyfavorite!**

**-Paperganstah**

"Don't Let Me Down"

Castiel leaned his head against the window as the rain hammered against it. Dean was asleep in the bed near him but Sam had driven off to find Emily's family. Dean rolled over in his sleep and Castiel glanced over at him. Dean made him feel things that confused him. Last night the man held him. It was a nice feeling and Castiel couldn't recall that he had ever felt such a wonderful thing. He had been so close and his skin had been so warm. Castiel cautiously moved closer to Dean and traced his hand over Dean's face lightly. A feeling surged through him that left him breathless and in pain and ecstasy at the same time. Dean was such a strange thing. He felt like he knew him. When Dean smiled in his sleep Castiel felt one tug at the corners of his mouth. Dean was a name on the edge of his memory. Castiel murmured the name to himself and it ran throughout his brain like a wildfire. It burned on his tongue and echoed in his addled mind.

Dean rolled over in his sleep and Castiel moved closer still. The name of Dean held desire. It held a sorrow for him that left him ashamed of being in such a heavenly presence even as he basked in it. He needed Dean to smile. He needed some form of encouragement and had no idea why. Castiel pressed his face into Dean's neck and wanted to weep with relief and something darker that hid in his mind.

"Cas?" Dean's eyes opened blearily and he glanced over at the angel. "What?" He felt dark hair brush against his cheek.

"Did I awaken you? I apologize."

Dean reminded himself of the list of the angel's crimes. Murder. He was a murderer. "Just don't do it again Cas. I don't cuddle with dudes." Dean climbed out of bed even as he caught Castiel's stricken face in the mirror.

"Dean…whatever it is I apologize for it."

Dean shook his head, eyes dark. "You can't do that, Cas. You don't even have to remember what you did. I do!" Dean's shout rang across the room and Castiel trembled as if he had been hit.

"You don't remember what you became but I do. I know what is inside you and it is the ugliest and evilest thing I have ever seen. I have met a lot of monsters Cas and you were the one that brought me down."

Dean took in a deep breath as Castiel went rigid. "So you don't get to be sorry. You don't get to start over. You should be still trapped in the bottom of that lake with your rotten heart buried in the mud."

The door slammed open as Sam came in carrying coffee and a bag of breakfast burritos. "Dude, breakfast-"He looked from Dean to Castiel and could almost see the tension between them. "What's up?" Sam glanced at them cautiously.

"Nothing Sammy. Cas and I were just having a talk." Castiel nodded slowly, his nails digging into his palms as he reeled on his feet.

Sam handed Castiel a coffee. "We need to get on the road soon. Those things that took Emily last night have me worried. Look, if we can hurry up and do something we won't have to save another kid tonight."

"Your right Sammy. But Cas isn't coming with us."

Sam looked surprised and Castiel raised his head, blue eyes large. "Dude why not? Dean what is your deal today?"

"We can't trust him. I sure as hell don't. I'm not gonna fall for his tricks this time."

"He doesn't even remember anything!"

Dean bristled. "He doesn't have to! Cas was this exact same way when we met him and then he nearly blew up the world. He's poison, Sam." Dean felt guilt tug at his heart as Castiel stood in the center of the room quietly in his too large t-shirt. It had felt nice to spend the night with him trapped in his arms but Dean could not give in again. "He as much as killed Bobby and he hurt you too."

"I did?" Castiel's voice was rough with emotion.

Sam shifted awkwardly. "It's okay Cas. You don't even remember."

Castiel shook his head. "No, I will try to make amends. I will try to make it right." Castiel stepped forward and placed a hand to Sam's temple. He shivered and felt Sam tremble as well.

"Cas stop! What the hell are you doing you crazy son of a bitch?" Dean pulled on the angel's arms as he went rigid. A red glow flashed in Sam's eyes and Dean wrenched Castiel roughly away. He threw Castiel to the side as he gripped both sides of Sam's face.

"Sammy? Damn it Sammy talk to me!" Dean shook his brother. He almost cried when Sam opened his eyes and they were clear and green once more.

"Dean?" Sam sat up and clung to his brother's arms dizzily. "He's gone!"

Dean looked confused. "What Sammy?"

"Lucifer! He's gone!" Peace flooded through Sam's features and grinned. "Dude I can't believe that he isn't in my head anymore!"

"Damn that's good news." Dean hugged Sam and his Sasquatch brother hugged him in return.

Sam closed his eyes. "I can't hear him. Thanks Cas. Cas?" The angel sat quietly in the corner of the room. Eyes unfocused and afraid. He worried with the bandages on his arms as he scooted as far into the corner as possible.

"Cas?" Dean reached a hand out to the angel and Castiel flinched.

Castiel's eyes widened as he felt something crack inside his brain. Lucifer smiled as the walls tumbled around them. Memories forced themselves through the wall and Cas faced them fearfully.

"_Welcome back Castiel."_ Lucifer chuckled inside his head as thoughts raced through Castiel's mind and he watched his descent into madness. So much blood. Red and guilty he watched the blood of other's spill from his own hands.

"Cas!" Dean's voice rang through Castiel's head and he was able to pull himself outside of his own mind. Lucifer's voice was an undistinguishable whisper at the back of his mind.

"Dean. I-I remember."

"What?"

Castiel locked eyes with Dean, anguish clouding over his features. "I remember you. I remember everything."

"You do? Good." Dean came towards him and Sam pulled him away.

"Dean, leave him alone! Can't you tell how torn up he is about this?"

Dean nearly growled. "Fuck off Sam."

Castiel sat on the floor weakly as Dean came his way. He closed his eyes waiting for the blow. It didn't come. "I'm done." Dean raised his hands. "Come on Sammy. Let's go." He grabbed his pack and shouldered past Sam.

"Look Dean, we aren't leaving him. He needs us!" Sam grasped Dean's jacket and got a punch to the jaw.

"Damn it Sammy, come on or I am going to leave your sorry ass. I can't do this." Dean slammed the door to the Impala and Sam got in with him, glancing behind them.

Castiel stumbled out the front door and watched them as his knees trembled. He sank down to the dirt as the Impala roared away and grief dragged him downwards. "I am so sorry."

Tears ran down his face and he let them fall. He felt sick. Somehow he dragged himself back to the room and collapsed on the bed as his body trembled. An hour or too passed as the hunters drove away from their angel. Castiel finally fell asleep and Lucifer found him in his vulnerability.

.

"Alone Castiel. You are alone and you have always known that. It was easy to hide your pathetic self away in the garrison. You were nothing special. Orders were carried out to perfection but the rules were not your own." Lucifer smiled. "But when you made the rules you realized how twisted you really were. You like the power."

"No!" Castiel glanced up, pain in his blue eyes.

"You liked it Castiel. No one could boss you around anymore. You did everything to save yourself and that is what you are doing now. All these good deeds? Brother, you don't ever need to lie to me. I am in your head, I see it here."

Castiel worried with the sleeves of his trench coat, his voice barely a whisper. "No. If you really knew what was in my head, my heart-"He took in a deep breath. "If you knew anything about me then you would know why I did it all."

"Why Castiel?" Lucifer folded his arms with a deprecating smile.

"For him. It was the only reason I did anything. I fell for Dean Winchester, and no one has ever fallen harder or farther than I have for the sake of love."

Lucifer was quiet for once. He was surprised at the way his younger brother's entire body shook with the pain he suffered for Dean. A human. A pathetic human had reduced an angel of the Lord to such a sorry state.

"So you would do it all again? Break the world and tear up the rule book for some of Dean's beautiful body? Did you think he would ever like you? Oh poor Castiel, you dumb fool. You know his track record with women. Did you dream of him touching you…did you dream of him making love to you in those lonely nights?"

Castiel couldn't meet his eyes and Lucifer smiled knowingly. "He left you Castiel. He left you and he would do so again in a heartbeat to save his brother."

"I know." Castiel's voice broke. "I have always known that when it came down to me or Sam…I would lose."

Lucifer pressed his fingers together. "Knowing all this you risked damnation? At least I did this to myself. I chose hell for _me_. You chose it for a man that could never love you."

Castiel slipped to his knees as his entire body trembled. "I would do it again. I would do anything for Dean."

"So you aren't that sorry. Looks like you don't deserve to have your sins cleaned up if you are unwilling to repent."

"I have apologized for my wrongdoings and it is not enough. I chose Dean. I will atone for my sins but I was punished for the crimes before they were even committed. To love Dean has been the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I-I feel things around him Lucifer. It is something you will never understand. I was a soldier before I met him. I was blind to feelings like this. Dean makes me want to both love him and rip out my heart at the same time."

Lucifer stepped over to Castiel and placed a hand over his heart. "Let's take it back from Dean. That bastard doesn't deserve one as beautiful as you to die for him. He's the one killing you brother." He tilted Castiel's chin up and smiled down at him. "He is a human and not worth your pain."

Castiel pulled away. "Leave me alone Lucifer."

"Too late Castiel." Lucifer's smile widened. "You already are."

.

"What is your problem Dean?"

Dean shifted his glare off the road and onto his bitchy looking brother. "Leave it alone Sammy."

"No." Sam looked pinched. "No way Dean. That's Cas back there and he is our friend."

"Was. He was our friend. Now I look at him and I remember all the shit he pulled on us."

Sam turned the radio off. "Turn around."

"No." Dean's voice was gruff as he reached for the radio dials.

"Turn the car around." Dean ignored him. "You're ridiculous. The 'shit he pulled on us'? Do you know how many times we hurt Cas? Look, the poor guy has done so much for us."

"Yeah. He cracked your wall and practically killed Bobby. He's done enough."

Sam straightened his shoulders and Dean knew Sam wasn't backing down. "You love him don't you?"

"What?" Dean nearly drove off the side of the road.

"That's what it's about." Sam actually laughed. "That's why you've been so stubborn and stupid about this."

Dean pulled the car over and the van behind them nearly clipped the back of the Impala. He put the car in pack and turned furiously towards his brother.

"Don't ever fucking say that again. I hate that son of a bitch more than anyone I've ever hated. He nearly took away from me what little I had. I hoped that damn angel would pay for what he did…looks like I got my wish."

Sam shook his head. "I don't believe you. No I don't. This is why you've been a dick the past months. You need Cas and he needs you. Especially right now."

Dean was quiet for a moment before tears forced themselves at the back of his throat and the corners of his eyes. "Everyone lets me down. I thought Cas was different. I thought he would listen. He always did…and then it was like he didn't care anymore."

"Of course he did Dean. You refused to take his side and he thought he was doing everything to save you in the end."

"I know Sammy." Dean's voice was barely more than a whisper. "Damn it." He wiped his eyes with the back of his hands.

Sam looked thoughtful. "What would we have done if Cas listened to you?"

"Huh?"

"How would you have stopped the angel's from creating another apocalypse?"

Dean shook his head. "I don't know. I wish Cas would have come to me first so we could fix it."

"Dude, you just wish he followed your orders still. The guy followed you everywhere and did your biding with everything else."

"I know! Damn angel acts more like a kid than anything. I just don't get what made him so…I don't know, independent?"

Sam smiled. "You did." Sam placed a hand on his brother's shoulder. "Dean, I'm sorry."

"For what? You didn't do anything." Dean sniffed.

"Yeah I did." Sam gave his brother a wry smile. "Remember how I made you promise that you would settle down with Lisa when I died?"

Dean took in a deep breath. "I don't think I could ever forget that."

"Well I should have made you promise to settle down with Cas instead."

Dean's ears went bright red. "What the hell Sam?"

"Yeah, maybe if I made you promise that you could have had a chance. To be actually happy. Dude, he wants you just as bad as you want him."

"Don't even-"

Sam butted in. "No Dean. You told me since we were kids that we would never get the chance to be normal. We would never get the chance to settle down and be happy. This is your one chance man. Take it."

Dena stared into his brother's earnest face. "If you weren't my brother I would deck you in the face for trying to make me go gay for some dude."

Sam grinned. "Not really. One, you are already gay." He dodged a punch from Dean, laughing. "And two, Cas isn't just some dude."

Dean chewed on his bottom lip. "You're a bitch do you know that?"

Sam grinned and looked pointedly behind them. "So…ready to go?"

"You are going to be a dick unless I turn around, aren't you?"

"It's your choice Dean, but I think you know my opinion."

Dean ran a hand through his hair before pulling onto the road. The Impala made an illegal U-turn and went roaring in the opposite direction.

.

Castiel climbed of bed and looked himself over in the mirror. He shivered in the early morning air. He was feverish and the injuries from the night before burned. Cold water didn't do much to wake him up. He saw Lucifer out of the corner of his eye. Lucifer waved.

"Morning sunshine. Did you have trouble sleeping, my little angel?"

Castiel glanced back at his brother. He ignored him as best as he could but his heart was beating loudly in his ears. A jacket lay on the back of a chair and Castiel closed his eyes for a moment. It was Dean's. He lifted up the heavy material and held it to his chest as Lucifer watched him curiously. Castiel crammed it into a bag and pulled on his trench coat.

"Oooh field trip?" Castiel nodded quietly as he slipped the bag over his shoulder and wandered out. Dean had given up on him once more, but Castiel knew he still had to atone for what he did. He hoped it would kill him. He longed for the silence once more and knew his own voice would drive him to madness before even that of Lucifer's. At least with his brother in the back of his mind, he was not entirely alone.


	4. All This and Heaven Too

**Hey! Here is your next chapter. Thank you for the favorites and follows, they are much appreciated! **

**Thank you VeryLoyalVeryQuickly for the review!**

**-Paperganstah**

"He's gone." Dean stood in the doorway as Sam turned the corner.

"What?"

Dean shook his head, defeat in his shoulders and voice. "He's gone Sammy. Damn it!" He punched the wall and felt plaster drive into his knuckles.

"Look, it will be okay…we'll find him."

"I shouldn't have let him go in the first place." Dean didn't know if he wanted to cry and kill someone. Maybe he wanted to do a bit of both.

Sam sighed. It was quiet for a moment as he watched despair begin to cling to Dean's body and he slumped from the weight. "Hey, I know what to do."

Dean glanced up. "Yeah? Did you have a magic solution or just a brain blast Jimmy Neutron?"

"A solution Dean." Sam looked pinched. "I'm betting Cas went back to that church we found him at. He doesn't have any other place to go. We track down those monsters that tried to eat us in the city and I bet we'll find him. A real healer is news no matter how quiet you are about it. Word travels."

Dean nodded. "We can do that. But I don't know what I will do if we don't find that son of a bitch."

Sam looked relieved as they got back into the Impala. Now that Dean had a mission it would keep him from beating himself up about this. Possibly. Dean would of course torment himself as they drove with thoughts louder than the music on the radio. This wasn't going to be simple but since when had anything been easy for the Winchesters?

.

Castiel had been alive for many years. It was strange how little he had thought about it. The years before Dean ripped him from heaven and buried himself deep into his heart. And Castiel couldn't tear him out. He bled for him and still felt love hot in his veins. Dean had given so much to him, but he took away more. His sanity was beginning to crumble around him as he chose to hate himself instead of Dean. His crimes were read out loud to him in his own voice. Murderer…he was a murderer and here he was in some semblance of life once more.

He stared quietly out the window as the man in the pickup glanced over at him. The man, who said his name was Bill, threw out a few lines and Castiel watched them go past him and out the window. He wasn't in the mood to talk and had only offered the barest of pleasantries

"You know, I have a better jacket than that one you are wearing. A cold front moved in Monday and you look like you are freezing to death. Hey, are you okay?"

Castiel jumped back into reality, shoulders set. He looked surprised at Bill. "Yes, I am alright. Thank you. No, keep your jacket, you have been generous enough."

"You seem like a troubled young man. I'm I dropping you off someplace where you've got family?" Bill looked at Castiel's trembling hands. He saw the way his face grimaced in pain whenever he moved. "Are you hurt?"

Castiel opened his eyes. "I am alone. Do not worry. I am repenting for wrongdoings. I-I can get out here. Thank you again."

The man protested but eventually let him out. There was something behind those deep blue eyes that frightened him. He saw grief and pain behind the irises. They guy was clearly insane or on something. "Take care… you didn't give me a name."

"Cas." Castiel hitched his bag onto his shoulder as he wandered onto the road. He had been hitch hiking for the past three days to get back to the church. He was almost ten miles away. Cas hadn't gotten the chance to change his bandages and they tugged on oozing scabs. He fell in the dust only once as he made his way north and his mind left his body from time to time.

"Where are we going Castiel?"

Cas looked tired. "You're back."

"Thought you could close me out so easily?" Castiel didn't reply. "So Dean left you?" Castiel froze and glanced over at his brother. Lucifer smiled. "Gotcha."

"Yes." Castiel forced himself forward.

Lucifer gave him a mocking smile. "Don't worry little brother. Now you have me. I'm not going to leave you any time soon."

Castiel nodded. "I assumed as much."

"I bet you're wishing that your Winchester would take you back. He's always so forgiving of Sam…and he hurts him all the time."

Rain began to pour but Lucifer remained dry. Castiel had almost forgotten that his residence was within the walls of his looked relieved when he saw the steeple on an old building.

"No. I am wishing that Dean had not found me again."

"All this repentance and self-punishment and you are still selfish in the deepest part of your soul." Lucifer smiled. "Did you ever stop to think that this is part of your trial? Dean, the one thing you love above God, and you cannot have him."

Castiel turned and his eyes darkened and narrowed. "I never had Dean. No, the issue is that Dean now knows that I am alive. No matter how much he hates me he will still hate himself for leaving me."

"Perhaps. Or maybe he will be able to forget you now."

"I should hope so," Castiel murmured. The large key glinted in his hand as he turned it in the key hole. It took a few turns as metal scarped against metal before the lock clicked open. Castiel pushed his hand against the splintered door and pushed it open.

"Hello? Who is it?" An old man stepped out of the shadows. The beam of a flash light danced across Castiel's cheek and into the dark of the world behind the open door.

"Deacon. It is me."

The Deacon slipped a shining knife into a sheath. "Come in Emanuel. I was wondering where you were. Leave the storm outside will you?" He eyed Castiel's dripping clothing.

Castiel bowed his head. "My apologies." He pulled off his dripping coat placed a hand on the wall for support when he felt blood trickle down his side.

"You are hurt. Come on then child. You may have forgotten, but God will keep up your appointment."

Castiel nodded wearily. "I was wrong to leave."

"It is alright. We are all born weak. That is why you are seeking redemption; a sin may be reborn with many different faces. That leaves the sinner with many different ways to repent."

"I would like to continue."

The Deacon gave him a tight smile. "Good. I had hoped so. Some people came looking for Emanuel today. I told them that you were not here."

Castiel swallowed. "I…"

"Yes, I get that you are sorry. They were too. A father died tonight but you have returned. Others may still be saved."

Castiel hung his head. "I would like to confess this evening if I may."

"That would be a good start."

Castiel glanced at an old clock as it moved its dusty hands. "It is late and I have many things to confess. I remember everything now."

The Deacon looked curious. "Let's get you healed up first. I have all the time God will allow me. I will be here as long as you need."

Castiel stumbled after the man as his shoes left wet prints in the soft carpet of the aisle. The Deacon paused in front of the altar to bow and the cross passed over his lips. He turned to Castiel. "Come to dine with the Lord. He will offer up his body and blood, even to a sinner such as you."

"I am unworthy. By God's grace I will come to praise his name and beg for forgiveness." Castiel bowed before he slowly placed a foot on the first alter step. He glanced warily to the side as if he expected to be struck down at any moment. Nothing happened.

"Come here child." The Deacon pushed a sliver chalice into Castiel's hands. "Drink. The blood of Christ."

Wine red and warm spilled into his mouth like blood. He shuddered. The wounds on his body began to knit together and he felt exhaustion lift from his shoulders. He followed the ritual. His hands went through the motions and he sighed. The peace of repetition gave him some of his strength back.

"Emanuel, are you ready to confess?"

"Yes." Castiel followed the man into the confession booths. One locked behind the Deacon and Castiel slipped behind the door of another.

"What is the nature of your sins?"

Castiel rubbed a hand through his messy hair. He took in a deep breath. "There was nothing natural about them. I did not follow the path. I am sorry for my sins."

"Do you call upon your Lord and Savior for forgiveness?"

"Yes. I am Castiel, a-former angel of the Lord. I have so much to confess…no it is not even possible." Castiel pushed the door open and heard the Deacon's voice soft and calm.

"Do not leave now Castiel. You will never return to the Host if you run away."

Castiel shook his head, tears starting at the corners of his eyes. "How could I ever find forgiveness? I have killed. I have lied. I loved another above our Father."

The Deacon still did not raise his voice. "Will you repent?"

"I try to. I am sorry that I have caused pain in my selfish interests and actions. It is not enough. It will never be enough."

"Let God be the judge of that."

Castiel bit his bottom lip. "Why am I alive? Why did he bring me back?"

"Tell me your sins."

"I do not deserve to live." Castiel tore at his ruined shirt, healed flesh smooth underneath it. "I understand now. I do not deserve to live but I also do not deserve to die."

"Tell me your sins Castiel. What is the nature of your sins?" Castiel ran both his hands through his hair and it stood up in places.

"Desire. It began with a feeling I had never known before." Castiel grasped onto the door of the booth and leaned his head against it.

"I loved our Father. His face was unknown to me but the stories my brothers told me…how could I not devote myself to him?" A smile ghosted across his face in the weak candle light.

"How could I not love him? I was part of a garrison. I was a soldier. I remember long ago the beauty of heaven and the feeling of grass on my skin. The garden was beautiful and I would lose myself in it before Eve listened to the snake. She bit into the apple with a curiosity sweeter than the warnings of God. When Eden was lost to all many of my brothers closed off their hearts. Humans were fragile. They were easily swayed." Castiel's mouth twisted into an ironic smile.

"We are not omniscient, and never were. With Eden locked away heaven became a place even more special to me. I had not spoken with my Father but I felt that I knew something of him in the souls of his creations. Their heaven became their greatest dreams. I saw the reuniting of families and those once sick healed. It was perfect.

I followed orders. Monsters bled onto my blade and my brothers and I sang out hymns on the battlefield. I never stopped to think of how the monsters came to be. I never stopped to think. If monsters existed, where did they come from? Who made the beasts we so proudly hunted? All in the name of the Creator."

The Deacon's skin was pale through the netted divider. "It was then that you began to doubt?"

Castiel shook his head. "No. It was when I first set eyes on Dean Winchester. He was different than anything I had come across before. I had found things beautiful before but he… he called to me. I saw him hanging from the chains in the very heart of hell. I found myself lost as I saw such the perfect being bleeding into the flames. His skin was soft under my hands and was drunk off of the feeling. I pulled him from the flames. I remember the fear that he was lost. His body was destroyed but his soul…it shown under my hands as I forced him back together. Only for a moment he opened his eyes. They were green.

A voice called me back to heaven. I was to return and leave Dean Winchester behind. This was the first time I did not obey an order the moment it was commanded. I stayed with the man for only moments to watch his chest rise and fall. I stayed to listen to the beating of his heart. I remained with him for what seems a small amount of time but it was enough. For the first time an order was ignored for the scripture of a man's body. I wanted to learn everything."

"You lusted after him? Do you know the feeling Angel?"

Castiel sighed. "Yes. I wanted him. I did not know it at the time, I did not understand. I loved him."

The old clock ticked. "It is almost the morning. You have done well."

"No...I have not told you all!" Castiel stood up, panic beating in his heart along with his blood.

"You must repent. You have time. I do not think that God will let you die before the next Sabbath."

Castiel was silent. He heard the Deacon leave the booth on the other side. His fingers found the worn leather once more. "I have sinned against you. Forgive me."

The sound of flesh breaking rang in his ears. Blood began to trail down his back. It cut in deep and the sound of it against the bone of his shoulder nearly made him sick. He continued on. "I have sinned against you. Forgive me. This night is for Jimmy Novak. I led him from the flock and he doubted You with his last breath. Please accept my apologies on his behalf."

The morning forced its light into the room. Castiel's hand dripped with his own blood. He traced a finger against the wall and drew a single red line. The first of many Lucifer watched, quietly for once as his brother collapsed onto the floor and consciousness left him.

"I have sinned against you. Forgive me."


End file.
